MORE KAIROS

We go back the Saturday after the weekend to meet with the previous week's participants for a "One Day".

Before we left the weekend I was assigned a talk. The title given me was "Moment of Christ's Presence".  I was asked to give a personal witness of Christ in my life during the previous week.

Here is what I said:

"At this point the outline says I am to give you a personal witness of Christ in my life during the last week. It started a week ago with the forgiveness part of the program.

10 years ago my wife of 36 years suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. 5 years ago I married a young lady with a 12 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old son whose husband had cheated on her with her best friend. They had a baby before either of them was divorced.

Over the past 5 years he has done some really horrific things to us and especially to the kids. One example is when he convinced Emily, my step-daughter to file assault charges against me and abuse and neglect charges against her mother. Thank God for a very understanding Judge whose final verdict was, “I find the defendant innocent of all charges and Mr. Cook, I'm very sorry you had to go through this.”

Last weekend during the forgiveness ceremony I forgave him and his wife. Or rather, Christ did it because I had been unable to. While that was a major presence of Christ, it isn't what I want to tell you about.

My relationship with me step-daughter has been, and is wonderful. My step-son, Andrew is another story. He resented me from day one and has worked to break me and Carol up so he could have his mother all to himself. I have not handled the situation well at all and have been very unforgiving of him and very critical of his behavior.

When I told my wife about the burden lifted from me when I forgave her ex and his spouse, she said, “I sure wish you'd use some of that inspiration and energy to build a relationship with Andrew.” I had not put him on the forgiveness list because I didn't think about him hurting me. But now I see how un-Christ like my actions and feelings have been. So after Christ relieved me of all the hate and bitterness toward the ex and his wife, He immediately, through my loving wife gave me a new challenge.

Encounters with the Lord are not always sweetness and roses. Sometimes He smacks you up side the head and says, "Listen up." Sometimes this happens through other people. Like Carol giving me a major wakeup call concerning Andrew. Of course understanding what to do and doing it can be two very different things. But I am working on it and hope we will develop a strong relationship soon."

After the day's program was over, Keith the Bass player came up to me and said, "I don't know where this came from but I definitely feel that I have been called to prayer for you and Andrew. Would that be OK with you." When I said, "Yes" and sat down, Keith placed his hand on my shoulder and started to pray. Within a few seconds almost the entire room was circled around us. A circle of 40 or 50 men facing challenges of their own that I can't even imagine, praying for us.

There we were - deja vu  -  all over again. 

Our calling is to bring Christ to these men. Yet here they were, praying for Andrew and me.

God is awesome.

KAIROS

KAIROS is a prison ministry.

The slogan of KAIROS is "Changing Hearts, Transforming Lives, Impacting the World."

KAIROS consists of Ordained Ministers and Priests and lay people. We go into Medium and High Security Correctional facilities to show the Love of Christ to the residents. Twice a year a team presents a weekend long meeting that is similar to "Cursillo" in the Catholic Church or "Walk to Emmaus" in the Protestant churches. This is followed by a "One Day" the Saturday after the retreat and monthly reunion evenings to stay in touch with the residents.

Gerry Hartmann, a dear friend of 30+ years talked to me for several years about joining him. Part of all programs is music and I thought they really wanted me to play Bass. Actually, I think they just wanted my Bass - more about that later.  I gave excuses for a long time and finally agreed to go to a reunion to "stick my toe in the water." .

I did not come home inspired. Augusta Correctional Center (ACC)  is about a 60 minute drive from Salem. By the time we meet up to carpool, it's usually nearer 90 minutes. It takes 30 minutes or more to get through security and get escorted to the meeting room. We spend an hour with the residents. Then drive home.

I told Carol that I just didn't think spending 5 hours and a tank of gas to spend an hour with the residents was a very good use of my time. I was sure saying "Hi" and sharing some Scripture and personal reflections couldn't have made any impression on any of those men.

I couldn't attend the next weekend because it was the same weekend as my CHRP - Christ Renews His Parish weekend. And I couldn't attend the following one because it also met on the CHRPs weekend.

In the spring of 2014 I ran out of excuses. I told Gerry that I really was apprehensive. I understood that we had two purposes. Let these men know that Christ loves them and that we love them as brothers in Christ. I said that I could tell them Christ loved them in spite of anything they had done because I believed that. I didn't think I could tell them that I loved them. I didn't know why they were there and we never ask. But it had to be something pretty bad. KAIROS doesn't just want to change individuals. Another goal is to establish a permanent loving, trusting community in Christ within the prison. So we only go to facilities with long term residents. 20 - 30 years to Life is the norm. Gerry said, "That's fine. Just walk in and let the Lord give you whatever Grace you need. Commit to this one weekend. Then you'll know if this is something you want to make a permanent part of your life."

After several weekends of training and bonding with the other team members, I was, according to Gerry at least, prepared. The weekend is a one time experience for the residents so on a Thursday evening I joined 60 residents who, like me, had little to no idea of what to expect. What I did NOT expect was to be remembered. This was more than a year after I had spent an hour at ACC. We got to the gym as previous KAIROS residents were setting up the room. One of them saw me from all the way across the room and yelled "BASS MAN" and came across the room to welcome me back. It just got better from there.

Friday morning we started with songs, prayers, witnesses, group discussions, skits, more of same. I didn't play Bass because Keith, the resident who had recognized me is a much better musician than I am. He isn't allowed a Bass so getting to play mine was a major Joy for him. Gerry knew about Keith. That's why earlier I said that they really didn't need me, just my Bass.

Each table had 6 residents, a lay Table Leader, a Minister and an "assistant table leader". I had heard some horror stories from other members about "challenging" participants who only wanted to argue and disrupt things. Everyone from devout Muslims or Jews to belligerent atheists to Christians who wanted quote scripture and be confrontational about any issue. None of those people were at my table. They were all believers looking for more answers. Later I accused Gerry of  "salting the mine" so I'd want to come back. Whether he did it on purpose or not, it worked. I've attended most of the monthly reunions and I missed the next weekend only because I had just gotten out of the hospital and was too weak to go.

Part of the weekend was a "forgiveness" ceremony. At most facilities all are asked to write the names of people they need to forgive on a piece of paper and then all the notes are burned. ACC doesn't allow open flames so we were told to write on rice paper which we then dropped into a bowl of water and watched it dissolve. We were told that the Lord was present and He would help if we just put the names on the paper. It was suggested that the first name on the list should probably be our own. That part was easy. Then it got more difficult. As skeptical as I've ever been about anything in my life I wrote the names of Carol's ex and his wife. I didn't expect anything. They have done some horrifically bad things. I'd told my Priest many times that I might forgive them for hurting Carol and me but I didn't think I could ever forgive them for the harm they had caused Emily and Andrew.

But, hey, it's part of the weekend and I'm supposed to be setting an example for these men, right? So I got in line with my paper. When I dropped that paper into the water and the Minister put his hands on my head and we prayed, I could feel an incredible weight float off my shoulders. I'd never experienced that kind of Peace. I will always have my guard up. I will never believe anything either of them say. But the anger and hate is gone. All I feel is pity for Emily's dad because he missed the growing up of one of the most incredible young ladies I've every known. At the end of the weekend I felt I should make a public apology to the residents because I got so much more from the weekend than they did.

More tomorrow.

God is Good. Every Day.

I am posting this mainly for folks who knew Mary Ann. But for those of you who did not, she had a birth defect and her left arm was pretty much useless. Her parents taught her that there wasn't anything she couldn't do and that was the way she lived.

We were living in Jersey City NJ in 1968 when we learned that Mary Ann was pregnant. Since we didn't know any doctors, Mary Ann picked a prenatal OB-GYN from the phone book, mainly on the basis of she was a she.

About the fifth month of visits, Mary Ann went alone. The Dr. called me as soon as Mary Ann had left the office so she knew I would be alone. She asked, "Are you a stay at home Dad?"

I said, "No. I'm a Flight Instructor."

"Well, are you going to have a Nanny?" 

"You aren't listening. I am a Flight Instructor. I get paid $5.00 per hour of flight instruction. If the weather is bad, I don't make anything. No. We certainly can't afford a Nanny. Why do you even ask."

"Well, Mary Ann certainly can't take care of a baby."

"Of course she can. What do you think she can't do?"

"Lots of things but for one, obviously she can't pin on a diaper with one hand."

This was WAY before Pampers.

"Dr. I believe you misspoke. What you meant to say is you can't pin on a diaper with one hand."

"Have you ever seen her do it."

"No. But it will not be a problem. And neither will feeding or any other aspect of caring for him/her. Thank you for your time. Goodby. "

I didn't tell Mary Ann at the time because I saw no reason to upset her.  But a few months later she came home from the Dr. so angry she could hardly talk. The Dr. had given her the card of another Dr. and told her to make an appointment to see him because she only did prenatal. She didn't do deliveries. Since she was so upset anyway, I told her about my conversation with the Dr.

BIG MISTAKE.  Mary Ann had absolutely no problem pinning on a diaper with her one good hand. I had major problems using two. I regularly stuck myself.  When I yelled, Mary Ann would say, 'If you did it like I showed you that wouldn't happen." Because I don't believe any one has ever stuck themselves in the hand that held the pin.

God is merciful. By the time Adam came along Pampers made it a lot easier.

January 27 would have been our 47th Anniversary

It was a wonderful marriage. CERTAINLY not perfect or even smooth sailing some of the time but wonderful.

Being "best friends" through Jr and Sr High, talking on the phone for HOURS but not "dating" until after High School graduation. There was none of the "putting on our dating face". We knew each other way to well for that to work.

I have difficulty explaining the relationship. But a little while after Mary Ann died, a chance meeting brought someone back into my life. She wrote about it, and about her view of the love Mary Ann and I shared. I have her permission to share it here.

My parents divorced when I was young and I never saw a happy loving married couple while I was growing up. I hoped the ideal existed somewhere but I couldn't figure out how it was supposed to work. As a teenager I began attending a different church and I met an amazing couple. They were loving and very accepting. They had adopted children as well as their own and they took in a foreign exchange student. By the grace of God they accepted me into their circle. At first I was angry at the wife because I thought she didn't appreciate what a kind and devoted husband she had. I thought she was taking advantage of a man who was desperately infatuated with her. He was so considerate and patient. These were two traits I didn't see much of while growing up. As I spent more time with this couple though I began to catch her loving glimpses toward her husband. I also noticed the way her face beamed when she spoke about him. I realized that my initial judgment was wrong. This woman was deeply in love with her husband and valued him greatly. She had an acerbic tongue and acid wit. Her husband, though saw through her defenses to her soft inner core and though outwardly they could be sarcastic to each other, they trusted each other to not do any harm. Through their example I no longer had the notion that my prince had to be perfect nor did I. I saw that true love does not demand perfection, rather it accepts and even cherishes those things which seem unlovely to others. I didn't put into practice what I had learned immediately though. I loved with a wild abandon and was determined to love with no strings attached. What I had yet to realize though was that a relationship only works when both parties are willing to love in the same way. After divorcing my first husband, I felt like a complete failure. But the seeds from which my future marriage would grow had been planted and were about to sprout. I decided that I needed criteria which must be met before I accepted a man as being worthy of my pure devotion. The list I made was based on the very things I saw in that husband I so admired as a teenager. Character counts. That was my motto. I finally found my prince Charming. He is neither a prince, nor is he very charming. But he is singularly devoted to me and when he looks at me I know that he will do anything within his power to make me happy. I see mirrored in his face what I saw in the face of that other husband so long ago. Years happily passed, some better than others, for life is not without its troubles. I went to one of my favorite antique shops looking for Christmas gifts, and the owner had downsized to one half of the building. The other half was a new antique shop so of course, being the adventurous sort, I went in. I asked if there were any airplane memorabilia of a local airline that no longer exists. My husband is a big buff of theirs. I was told that if anyone did it would be the ex-pilot Tom. I came in a few times after looking for Tom and finally met him. He said he would bring some of his airline things in and I left to return another day. More time passed before we were in the store at the same time again and he said he didn't think I was serious so he didn't have anything to sell. He promised to bring it in next time and in the process of putting a reminder in his palm pilot began telling me about his hectic day. A part of his activities involved a local center for the performing arts. I mentioned that my mother volunteers there and he asked her name. As soon as I told him who my mother was he knew me. It took a while for the blinders to be taken off my eyes as well. He spoke of his children and when he mentioned Lena it all fell into place and my memories were unlocked. I don't know if he understands how important it was that he and his wife took pity on a teenage girl full of self doubt. Even though we have discussed the intervening years I don't know if words are enough to explain the miracle it was that THEY noticed me. Without the guidance of their example I don't know how long it would have taken me to get it when it came to relationships. I don't even think I realize the full impact of their influence in my life. We are all spreading seeds all day, every day. Seeds of joy or hurt. Life or death. I thank God for the seed of hope for a lasting love that was planted deep in my heart so long ago. This is my story. Beth