Tinkerbell Jerusalem

OK - enough people have asked about my references to "Tinkerbell Jerusalem" and "inbetweens" that I'm posting my personal "inbetween" story here.

Here's my story about the book and what it did for me. This book, and the author are responsible for a LARGE part of my outlook on life and my present journey.

Mary Ann, my wife of 36 years and best friend for 46 yrs (Yes, we were 11 when we met) died on July 3rd 2004.

In October, three months after Mary Ann's death, I hit bottom. In over 5 yrs of counseling for depression, this was the only time my counselor ever asked if I was having suicidal thoughts. I wasn't suicidal, but the fact that she asked indicates where I was. She gave me some very good advice and it helped some.

But, at least for a little while, I really needed to get away from everybody and everything that reminded me of Mary Ann. I had signed up as a Mortgage Broker in order to get health insurance. They sent me to a school in Newport Beach, CA. The only place I have really great memories that do not include Mary Ann is the Southern California area. I went to conventions in Anaheim regularly and usually stayed over the weekend in Newport or Laguna Beach. In those days airline fares were a lot cheaper if you stayed over a Sat night. The school ran all day Thur and the other participants left Thur evening.

I moved to a hotel closer to the beach for the weekend. On Friday I walked Balboa Island all day. It was almost deserted, exactly what I had planned for my "recluse-dom". Sat morning I went to my favorite thrift shop in the whole world. A tiny place about three blocks off the beach in Laguna Beach. I'd been going there for 20 years or more. Usually not more than twice a year so I'm sure no one there considered me a regular. But I thought of it as "my" shop. Two things about Orange County, CA. The labels in the thrift shops are different than those I find back east. And no man there would be caught dead in a thrift shop so men's suits were always $10.00. Unless they were having a half price sale.

I couldn't find anything that fit and I needed to buy something because I needed to go pee and they had a big sign that said "No Public Restrooms". In the past when I bought something and I could say, "Yes, I know about the sign, but the other ladies usually let me go down that hall to the second door on the right", they took pity on me. But I couldn't even find a necktie that I would ever wear. So I was looking at the books. There was "Tinkerbell Jerusalem" on an easel. Not even on the shelves with all the others. Standing up there waiting for me. I didn't know it at the time, but that was my first "Tinkerbell" inbetween. It looked interesting and it was 50 cents.

So I bought it.

I went down to what I supposed would be another deserted beach in Corona Del Mar, which is a tiny town surrounded by Newport Beach. There seemed to be quite a bit of activity for an Oct morning, but I figured, hey it's Saturday. I sat down on a bench and started reading.

For an hour and a half or so, I devoured the book. Then I came to the page where the author says, "It's all here. If you don't believe it, look around now. Lift your eyes. Do you see it? In the field of your vision, no matter where you are, there is an inbetween, a carrier of spiritual light, sending its healing and comfort to you, its love and beauty."

My first thought was, "I could sure use some 'healing and comfort' right now. But I spend 90% of my reading time sitting on the john. So there's a 90% chance that when reading this I'd look up and see a dirty shower curtain. OK, I'm staying at the Marriott, so I'd look up and see a clean shower curtain. Same difference. But I was on the beach. I looked up and there were 4 adorable little kids, three boys and a girl, playing in the sand right at my feet.

You know how I love kids. I have no idea how long they'd been there. I grinned from ear to ear with crocodile tears just streaming down my face.

OK. "Not only are there inbetweens, but they're PERSONALIZED inbetweens."

The lady sitting at the far end of the bench said, "Excuse me. Are you OK." I said, "Yes." and gave her a quick description of the book. Then I said, "It said, 'Lift your eyes' and when I did, there were the kids. I've had a very bad 4 years and kids have been my salvation.

I love them all. And please look at this picture." (pg 143). She said, "Oh my God. That's Jessie" who was the little girl playing right in front of me. I said, "Yes. It certainly looked like a twin to me. Except Jessie's hair is down. And the girl in the picture has a ballerina bun."

I got up to leave and she said, "NO. YOU CAN'T LEAVE. Jessie's mother is at the bathroom with her brother and you have to wait and tell her the story and show her the picture. We drove an hour to get here and most of the way we were talking about what we could do to Jessie's hair so she could play with the boys more easily. And we couldn't bring ourselves to even mention cutting it short. We never thought of a tight little bun. You HAVE TO wait to show her." So I did. Playing with the kids in the sand the whole time.

OK. At the same time I'm HAVING inbetweens, I can be GIVING them to others.

When I again got up to leave, they said, "Oh No. You have to stay. It's the 100th anniversary of the founding of Corona Del Mar and there's going to be lots of great food this afternoon and then at 6:30 there will be a free concert here on the beach."

I stayed. The food was incredible. I was sitting in the food court talking to a 90 yr old lady who had spent her entire life in Corona Del Mar. She assured me it was the best place in the world to grow up and live out your life.

Then the music started. The very first song was, "Cherish" and I started bawling like a baby. But it was OK. There was a married couple at the table with us and they both were crying, too. Again I was asked, "All you going to be alright." And again I said, "Oh yes. It's just that song has so many memories. And actually, they're doing a really good job of playing it." She said, "Well they should. It's The Association."

I said, "Yeah. Right. The Association.

At a Chamber of Commerce fund raiser.

On the sand.

At 6:30 on a Saturday evening.

Free."

She said, "It really is. They grew up here."

I left half a chocolate dessert on the table and ran to the beach. Where I sat with about 200 people and cried and listened for two hours. "Cherish", "Along Comes Mary", "Windy", "Never My Love", "Everything That Touches You", on and on for two hours.

OK, inbetweens ARE there all the time. If we just open our eyes to see them. And some of them are really impressive. I mean really, THE ASSOCIATION ???

That night I called the publisher's phone number that was inside the book and left a message on a machine. "I know it's out of print, but I need about a dozen copies of "Tinkerbell Jerusalem" to give away to friends. It has renewed my life and I need to share it with others. Some of my friends have a real need to read it right now. And some I want to hand the book and say "You're a major inbetween in my life."

My ticket home was for a 6:00AM Monday departure from LAX. That was standard. My usual plan was to return the car to Rent-a-Wreck on Sunday morning. They're about 30 minutes from the airport and they don't have much staff on Sundays. So I'd get there, ask them to call someone to come in and take me to the airport, then drive a mile up the highway to a diner and
have breakfast. This time Charlie said, "Tom, a couple got here about 20 minutes ago and I called a driver. He should be here by the time we get your car checked in." He was, so I got to LAX much earlier than usual.

There were three flights to Charlotte where I would change planes to Roanoke. 2:00, 4:00 and 11:00. If I got standby on the 2:00 I almost always made it to Roanoke late Sunday evening. The 4:00 was "iffy" and of course the 11:00 meant a middle of the night arrival, followed by a 7:00AM departure to Roanoke.

I asked the ticket agent for something that "looks like a boarding pass" so I could get past security to the gate to try and get a standby seat. He gave it to me.

I looked at a very long line and said, "Please tell me that line is for Southwest Airlines" which shares the terminal with USAir. He said, "No. That's the line for security. See that lady in the red dress standing way down there in the doorway? She's 2 hours from the x-ray machines which are at the top of that escalator. And I don't know how far the line goes outside that door down the sidewalk."

I said, "There are about the same number of people outside as there are in the terminal. So I'll miss the 2:00, probably miss the 4:00 too. Oh well, I can always catch the redeye." He said, "Wait a minute. Aren't you a member of the USAir Club?" I said, "Yes." He said, "We have a special elevator for you." He took me around behind the ticket counter, put me on an elevator and said, "Show your club card to the first person you see when you get off the elevator." It was the person I call the "x-ray concierge" who stands at the head of the security line checking tickets and saying, "You go to that machine." I showed him my card and he sent me directly to a waiting machine. That saved me 4 hours of standing in line.

OK, the inbetweens just keep getting better if you're really looking for them. I'm beginning to catch on.

The lady at the check-in desk said, "We're booked solid and there are two people ahead of you on the stand by list." I showed her my club card and she said, "OK. You're number one on the list for the 2:00 flight."

There was ONE standby seat.

It was an aisle seat.

I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of going through the Charlotte Commuter Terminal. It's a big circular room with about 15 gates spaced around the perimeter. When I got there, it was packed full.

The kind lady said, "Oh I'm sorry. That flight to Roanoke is full." I said, "Oh, just take my name. There's always at least one no show." She said, "No. You don't understand. All 15 passengers have already checked in with me. There are no seats. You will not get on that airplane unless you see a stretcher leave this area with someone strapped to it." When I said, "Oh well, I'll catch the next one." She replied, "It's the last one tonight." When I said, "OK, I'll spend the night in one of those big leather recliners in the Club Lounge", she said, "We close the lounges at 11:00pm now." She thought I was crazy when I said, "Oh well. Something will work out or I'll just wait here until morning. That'll be OK, too."

There were two empty seats in the whole place. In a row of 4 with a young guy at one end who had put his bag on the seat next to him, I thought to save it for his companion. I sat down in the other end seat. A little while later a drop dead gorgeous young lady came in and checked in at one of the counters. Then, looking very tired, she stood and looked around. For some reason, I got vibes that she would not sit between the two of us. So I made eye contact, smiled, got up and moved to the middle seat and motioned to the end. She came over, sat down and we started talking. Nice conversation. She'd just finished a real estate school in Charlotte and was headed home.

Guys - you know me well enough to really appreciate this. For the very first time in my entire life, I ended a conversation with a beautiful young lady that was willing to continue talking to me. Don't ask me why. I haven't done it again since.

But when I did, the man on the other side said, "Hi. Where you flying to?" I said, "No place tonight it seems." and told him how my stand by system had let me down this time. He said, "Well, I'm a USAir pilot flying to Roanoke tonight to be there for my Monday morning schedule. For some reason they gave me a seat. Let me go out to the airplane for a minute. If the jump seat is empty, I can ride up there and you can have my seat."

At this point, I don't have to tell you what happened next, do I?

Of course, the jump seat was empty and a very puzzled gate lady said, "Mr. Cook, please come to gate 35, I have a seat for you."

OK, if you expect them, with gratitude, they just keep coming and coming. And all this within 36 hours of finding the book.

Monday I slept. Tuesday I went to my Grief Support Group and there was a questionnaire about our progress. Questions like "Can you say the name of your loved one without crying?" "Are you able yet to see even brief moments of joy?" I said, "Able to see them? God is hitting me over the head with them."

But wait, there's more. About a month later I got a phone call. "You left a message on my machine about "Tinkerbell Jerusalem. How can I help you?"

"I need some copies to give away." And I told her a very short version of this story. She said, "I think I can help, but how did you get my phone number?" I said, "It was in the book."

"NO, it wasn't. The main number was in the back of the book but it was disconnected years ago."

"Well, YES it was. How else would I have found you."

"My partner and I had an difficult breakup and we closed the business and I kept the second office number for my home phone but it's unlisted."

"I didn't get it from Directory Assistance. I got it from the inside front cover of the book."

"NO. All that was there was the address. And there's no longer a phone number associated with that address."

"You're not listening. It was IN THE BOOK."

"Where?"

"On a sticker inside the front cover."

"Oh my God. When we closed the company, I got stuck with the excess inventory and the left over office supplies. When I shipped some "Tinkerbells", I had some stickers that weren't going to be used anyway so I stuck them inside some of the books."

"There, see. No big deal. I found one of those books."

"YEAH BIG DEAL ! We sold thousands of that book and I put stickers in maybe 24 of them. And if you hadn't found one of those 24 you never would have found me. Tell you what, I have a partial case, probably 20 or 21 books. I'm going to mail them to you. When you get them, if you would please look at the outside of the box, see how much the postage was, and send me a check to reimburse me for the postage."

"Wait. You can't do that."

"EXCUSE ME. They're my books and I can do anything I darn well please with them. I've schlepped them through three moves in the last 5 years. If anyone had asked me, "Why?" I wouldn't have been able to tell them. Until now. Obviously I was saving them for you. They ARE your books. And I'm giving them to you. So there."

And she did.

When I gave them all away I called her back and said, "I need more books. Could I talk to you about buying the publishing rights?" I figured if I published some and sold half at retail, I'd have the other half paid for and I could give them away. She said, "When we closed the company we returned the rights to the authors. That author was living in Hawaii but I think she's moved back to Southern California. I believe I know someone who might have her email address. I'll get it for you." The next day she sent me Bonnie's email address with a "PS". "I found another case of books in the garage under some snow tires. I'm mailing them to you." So I had another 24 to give away.

I emailed Bonnie with the short version of this story and told her that she had saved my life. Or at least restored it to me.

I got an email back that said, "YOU are my inbetween for today. Please call me." The day before she had broken off a 4 year relationship with someone she loved dearly because, "He just didn't cherish me the way I cherished him." She was really feeling down and slightly worthless. She said that she had cried most of the night, second guessing herself. Then she got up and my email was there.

We talked for 3 1/2 hours. It was like we'd known each other all our lives, been out of touch for a short while and just picked up right where we'd left off. We became very good "long distance friends." And emailed regularly. A few months later we were laughing because we were both unemployed but so busy that it seemed impossible to get together on the phone. We actually made a "phone date" when she knew she'd be driving for a couple of hours. During that conversation she mentioned that her schedule was getting overwhelming. She was coming east to Vermont for a week long Yoga seminar but she had to leave it two days early to fly back to CA. We then determined that it was the same week in July that I would be in NY helping my son, Jeff and his family move from Niagara Falls to New Paltz. Since she was flying into NYC and bumming a ride with friends to VT, she couldn't stop in New Paltz and see me. I threatened to block the Thruway since Jeff's new house was 2 miles from an exit. Then I said, "What about on the way back to NYC?" She told me she had a Thur afternoon flight out of Albany. When I asked, "How are you getting to the Albany airport?" She laughed and said, "Airport shuttle I guess. Unless somebody offers me a ride." So I picked her up in VT, had 45 minutes to talk on the drive, then lunch and another 2 hours to talk before her flight. Incredible woman, really incredible conversation.

That conversation was a major turning point in my recovery.

Jeff is every bit as organized as Mary Ann was. I was in NY 15 days in July. By the first of May, he had my schedule worked out for all but two days. Back and forth to Niagara Falls a couple of times, work at the house on the days he could get off work, etc, etc.

One of the two free days was that Thursday. The first time Bonnie had been east in 30 years. The first time I'd been on the Hudson side of the Catskills since 1969. She and I being 45 minutes apart. Her schedule requiring her to go home early. From Albany. On one of only two days that I could have picked her up. And finding all this out after a chance remark about being too busy.

I now KNOW that she's so right about so many things. I see inbetweens every day. When I go to bed at night if I can't recall one, I know it was there and I just missed it. Bonnie, through that book and her friendship really did change my life.

Check out her latest project here.

I don't know if I'll be working with Bonnie on her website, re-publishing "Tinkerbell", maybe doing seminars together. But she and I KNOW that we're going to be working together sometime soon.

I'm out of books again. But it's available on the web for a couple of dollars plus shipping. Obviously, I think it's a "must" read for everyone.

That's all until next time - from hot - I mean REALLY HOT Lizana, MS.